


Blindly Listening

by amythis



Category: Laverne & Shirley (TV)
Genre: Eavesdropping, F/M, Meddling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24569170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis
Summary: A couple days after "Dog Day Blind Dates," Laverne gets three surprising offers, and Shirley gets one not so surprising.  Meanwhile, Lenny hears things he doesn't expect.
Comments: 30
Kudos: 4





	1. Desperate Half Hour

As Laverne painted her toenails, she thought what a dull Saturday night this was going to be, especially compared to a couple days ago. She couldn't help saying, "So it's Saturday and we ain't got no dates tonight."

Shirley poked her head over the door to the refrigerator she was cleaning. "After our last double date, how can you even want to go out again?"

"It wasn't all bad, Shirl. We had fun at first."

"Yes, until they blew up the men's room and held us at gunpoint."

"OK, so you don't owe me anymore for going out with your cousin Benjie."

"Um, Vernie, speaking of Benjamin, he's going to be in town next week, and I was wondering...."

"I'm not that desperate."

Shirley put her head back in the fridge and muttered something that sounded like, "My own flesh and blood is worlds better than a gun-toting psychopath." Laverne chose to ignore her roommate until Shirley shrieked, "What disgusting, hairy thing has taken root in our apartment?"

"Hello."

Laverne looked over to see the front door wide open to reveal Squiggy dressed as Hugh Hefner, with silk robe, lounging pajamas, and pipe. She wasn't sure what surprised her most: his outfit, the fact that someone just burst in without knocking and giving her and Shirley the chance to get their baseball bats and demand, "Who is it?", or the absence of Lenny. But all she said was, "Hi, Squiggy, whaddya want?"

He slinked over to the couch, leaned against the back, and took the pipe out of his mouth. "It's what you want, My Little Passionflorist."

"Yeah, what's that?" She started on her other foot.

"To lose your cherry as soon as positive."

"I beg your pardon!" Shirley cried, rearing her far from ugly although curler-covered head over the fridge door again.

"Sorry, My Love Dove, I didn't realize we weren't alone. Am-scray, Shirl."

"I'm not abandoning my best friend while you make lewd propositions to her."

Squiggy straightened up with dignity and said, "Hey, this was her idea."

"It was?" Laverne said before Shirley could.

"Did you or did you not say at the Pizza Bowl on Thursday that you wanted to voe-dee-oh-doe-doe do or die?"

"You were eavesdropping?" Laverne didn't know if she was more annoyed or embarrassed.

"Of course I was eavesdropping. My life was at stakes!"

Laverne could've pointed out that she and Shirley had been in more immediate danger in the dining area than the boys were in the ladies' room. Or she could've admitted that she would've preferred to sacrifice her virtue to Lenny Thursday night, although she hadn't specified. But before she could reply, Squiggy leaped over the back of the sofa and onto her.

Was he planning to take her in front of Shirley, or was this just part of his wooing? Before she could find out, Laverne reacted on instinct and broke his pipe. And then someone pulled him off her, and she didn't think it was Shirley.

"All right, Scuzzbucket, you're under arrest!"

Laverne looked up at a policeman who seemed vaguely familiar. He wasn't much taller than the man dangling from his arms and he was chubby but cute.

"Do you mind?" Squiggy asked irritably. "We was having a moment here."

"It's all right, Officer. He's my friend and this was a simple misunderstanding," Laverne said, not that she wanted to explain the misunderstanding.

Then Shirley started shrieking incoherently.

"Ma'am, did he harm you?"

Shirley raced over from the kitchen, crying, "Look at poor Boo Boo Kitty!"

"Uh, is that a pet name for Miss DeFazio?"

"No, she means her stuffed animal." Laverne looked over at the coffee table and saw that either she or Squiggy had spilled nail polish all over BBK. "I'm sorry, Shirl."

"What about apologizing to me for the damange to my pipe?"

"Uh, I'm a little confused," the cop said, letting go of Squiggy.

"So am I," Laverne said. "Who are you?"

"Sorry, I'm Officer Norman Hughes. I was called to the scene of the crime a couple nights ago."

"Oh, right, you were one of the cops at the Pizza Bowl. That's where I've seen you before."

"Yeah, I just wanted to make sure that you ladies were all right after your upsetting experience. I didn't know I'd end up coming to your rescue again."

Laverne got to her feet and flirted, "My knight in blue armor," even though his uniform was tan and brown.

"Well, yeah. But you're saying this guy wasn't attacking you?"

"No more than usual."

"She led me on! And broke my pipe."

"You eavesdropped on a private conversation."

"And ruined my cat!"

"The polish will probably come out with rubbing alcohol," Officer Hughes suggested.

"What about my pipe?"

"Uh, I think you're going to have to splice the stem."

Squiggy nodded. "I'll go ask Lenny to lend me his pocket tools." He straightened his robe and strode out.

"You're very handy, Sir," Laverne said.

Officer Hughes shrugged and modestly said, "It's all part of being a policeman."

"Yeah, what other services do you provide?"

"It depends on whether I'm on or off-duty," he flirted back.

The phone rang and Shirley said, "I'll get it."

"Which one are you now, on or off?"

"On but I get off, I mean off duty, in an hour."

"Good, my nails will be dry by then."

"Maybe we could go dancing."

Laverne smiled. It was the best offer she'd had all evening. She thought of asking if the cop had a friend for Shirley, but she had the feeling her friend wouldn't want to go on another double date for awhile.

She was about to accept the offer, when she heard Shirley yelling into the phone, "Carmine Angelo Ragusa, I don't care what Lenny told you he overheard! Go take a cold shower!" She hung up the phone loudly.

"Uh, was that an obscene phone call?"

"I'll explain in an hour, Norman."


	2. Spoken in the Girls' Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally a separate ficlet.

So this was a ladies' restroom! Like everything else about the world of women and girls, Lenny found it frightening and fascinating. "Look, Squig, they just got the stalls, no urnicles!"

Squiggy actually shushed him. He had his ear pressed up against the door.

Lenny wondered what the Pizza Bowl robbers could be saying that was so fascinating. He hoped they weren't talking about who to kill first again. Lenny didn't want to think about that, or dying at all. He'd had a good life in some ways, yeah, a lot of pain he didn't like to dwell on, but he had the best friend anyone could want, and a job he enjoyed, and, OK, he was still a virgin, but he'd made out as much as he could. And maybe someone would come to their rescue, because the explosion of the men's restroom could hardly have gone unnoticed on Knapp Street. Yeah, the cops were there, but they said they wouldn't make deals with criminals.

"You won't believe what Laverne just said!" Squiggy hissed, waving him over.

Lenny thought that maybe Laverne had come up with a good plan, because she was the smartest girl he knew. He came over and stood next to Squiggy, his ear nine inches above his best friend's.

He heard Shirley say, "You mean done the deed?"

"If we die now, we saved it for nothin'."

"It wasn't for nothing, Laverne. And it's too late anyway."

"We still got two minutes."

"With those crooks? I wouldn't give them the satisfaction."

"No, not them. Lenny and Squiggy!”

“Are you crazy, Laverne?”

“Well, these are desperate hours, Shirl. I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“I don’t think I want to go through eternity linked with Lenny and Squiggy. Besides, if it’s gonna be anyone, it’s gonna be Carmine Ragusa. He’s waited so patiently.”

Then Mr. DeFazio started calling out to his daughter. He was outside with the cops. Laverne and her pop yelled back and forth, so Lenny and Squiggy didn't have to eavesdrop to hear them.

They backed away from the door and Squiggy said, "Whadda you know? Laverne wants to give me her cherry."

"You?" Lenny had sort of hoped she'd been talking about him, although he wasn't sure how much they could do in a few minutes, especially with the stress of dying soon. But he could probably manage necking and a little light petting.

"Well, of course. You saw how she made Shirley lie next to you on the floor and I was the one she stood next to when the four of us was trying to shuffle into the bowling alley."

"Well, yeah, but...." It was always supposed to be him and Laverne, and maybe Squiggy and Shirley, someday. Shirley was cute but she wasn't Laverne. No one was Laverne except Laverne.

"Besides, if you was a dame who was tired of savin' herself, would you give it up for me or you?"

"Well, you I guess."

"Right. Now if I can just come up with a brilliant plan to save her life, Laverne will obviously stop savin' herself out of gradutude. And then you can have Shirley."

"Gee, thanks, but she don't wanna go through eternity linked to me. Besides, she'd rather do it with Carmine." Lenny wondered if Carmine knew that. Maybe someone should tell him, if they all lived to tell the tale.

The DeFazios' yelling had died down and it had got quiet for awhile, but now there was some kind of fuss back in the dining area, with Shirley screaming loudly. Squiggy went out to ask about the noise, and Lenny followed, hoping it was safe. Laverne threw her date's gun at Squiggy, who caught it and said, "Nobody move, this is a stick-up," although he mostly looked surprised. Then the cops rushed in and of course suspected Squiggy.

The girls explained and everything was OK. Except for the questions that this evening had raised.


	3. Dumb as a Waiter

When Lenny got to 730 Knapp Street Saturday evening, he wanted to head down to the basement, but he couldn't face Laverne in her apartment yet. It was bad enough at work on Friday. And it wasn't like he'd be able to just go right in. The girls, or at least Shirley, would answer the locked door with a suspicious "Who is it?" And anyway, he was here to talk to Carmine.

He headed up to Apartment C and knocked.

"Who is it?" Carmine didn't sound like he was ready with a baseball bat, which was good, considering that he could hit a lot harder than Shirley could. (Laverne, on the other hand, was quite a little slugger.)

"It's me, Lenny."

"Oh. Come on in."

"Thanks." Lenny came in. The apartment was a studio, half the size of the girls' place, but Carmine did live alone.

"What's up?"

"Well, I thought you should know that there's no one that Shirley Feeney would rather give her cherry to than you."

Carmine stared at him and then laughed and shook his head. "Good one, Len. You had me goin' there for a moment."

"It's true, Carmine. I heard it straight from the pony's mouth."

"Shirley told you she wants me?"

Lenny shook his head. "It was when me, Squiggy, and the girls was held up at the Pizza Bowl a couple nights ago. Laverne was talkin' about stuff she regrets never doin', and, well, 'doin' the deed' was the big one." Squiggy had told him, after it was all over, the part that Lenny missed, where Laverne actually said those magic syllables "voe-dee-oh-doe-doe," but Lenny had heard the rest.

"She said that right in front of you guys?"

"No, we was in the can but we overheard them." He decided not to mention pressing his ear right up against the door of the ladies'. Or who Laverne wanted to do the deed with.

"OK, I can see Laverne wantin' to lose it, but Shirley? My Shirley?"

"That's the thing, she really wants to be your Shirley because you've waited so patiently."

"Wow! You better not be yankin' my chain, Kosnowski."

"Scoot's honor, I swear."

"Well, thanks for tellin' me, I guess."

"You're welcome. I figure you live right upstairs, so you got opportunings."

"Well, sort of. Hey, Len, you might be interested to know that the apartment next door just opened up."

"Yeah?" Lenny lived with his sister but he did think about getting a place of his own someday. And it'd be great to live just a couple flights up from Laverne.

"Yeah, it's a studio like this. Check with the landlady, Mrs. Havenwurst, in Apartment B. Let her know we're friends."

"We are?" Carmine never would've said that in high school.

"Well, yeah. And I sort of owe you."

"Gee, thanks, Carmine!" He shook his friend's hand then raced down one flight.

He knocked on the door of Apartment B and someone said, "Come in," without even asking who it was. He opened the unlocked door and saw an older lady standing on her head.

"Yes, Dearie, how can I help you?"

"Um, I'm interested in Apartment D I think it is, the empty one. I'm a friend of Carmine Ragusa's."

"Oh, how nice, but I'm afraid I can't interrupt my routine. You're welcome to take the key from the hook right by you and take a look around. If you like it, we can talk about rent and your astrological sign and everything."

"Uh, thanks." He had no idea what astrology was, and wouldn't for another decade. But he grabbed the key and headed back up to Carmine's floor.

He easily found Apartment D, unlocked the door, and went in. The place looked a lot like Carmine's but completely unfurnished. He tried to imagine himself and his meager belongings there, living all alone. He thought about asking Squiggy to move in, but he wasn't sure what was going to happen with Squiggy and Laverne and that might be awkward. And it would give Lenny home courting advantages to be in the same building with Laverne. "All's fair in love and real estate," he murmured.

One feature that this apartment had that Carmine's didn't was a dumbwaiter. And not like Mr. DeFazio called him the summer during high school when he reluctantly (on Laverne's pitying urging of course) hired Lenny to wait tables at the Pizza Bowl and Lenny didn't last out the week because his memory wasn't good enough to remember all the orders. This was a dumbwaiter like in mansions in the movies, a little elevator for food. He went over and lifted the door panels. Lenny loved anything mechanical and he wanted to play with this device. He wondered how far up and down it went and whether he could fit inside.

But before he could explore, he overheard Shirley talking about cleaning out the refrigerator! This dumbwaiter had to be a pipeline, leading past Mrs. Havenwurst's apartment and straight down to the girls'. For the second time that week, Lenny found himself eavesdropping on Shirley and Laverne.

Shirley was trying to concentrate on housework, while Laverne was complaining about not having a Saturday night date, as she painted her toenails. ("Ruby Red," which made Lenny bite his hand.) Then Squiggy came in and hit on Laverne. That fink! He should've told Lenny he was gonna make his move that soon. No way was Lenny telling him about this apartment now.

Lenny thought about yelling down to them, or even riding the dumbwaiter into the girls' kitchen. But then it sounded like the cops showed up, or one cop anyway, who thought Squiggy was attacking Laverne, although Laverne didn't think so. Squiggy probably did the jump & kiss move he'd explained to Lenny a few times but Lenny still didn't have the technique down yet. Anyway, it was one of the cops from the Pizza Bowl, checking up on the girls. And Laverne started flirting with him, and he flirted back.

Lenny had heard enough. He quietly closed the door panels and returned to the hallway, locking Apartment D back up. He returned to Apartment B and went in without knocking. He hung the key on the hook and said, "Thanks, but it's not really what I'm looking for."

"Oh, well, have a good night, Dearie," Mrs. Havenwurst said, waving goodbye with her foot.

Lenny went back to his sister's and, when Squiggy showed up, didn't even ask why his best friend was dressed as Hugh Hefner and wanted to borrow his pocket tools.


End file.
